Swallow me whole

I remember when I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I lay on the floor in my lounge as the light faded outside and the room grew darker, just like my mind. I willed the ground to open up and take me. I wanted no more of this life, no more of this pain and heartache. I wanted to be free of all the burden and gut-wrenching misery. I lived in a home I bought myself at age 23, two years prior, a good job, loving friends, and yet I could see no good in anything. I felt alone, isolated, and unloved. I felt unworthy, and caught up in my own never-ending self-deprecating thoughts: beating myself up, judging myself, and blaming myself. I felt guilt-ridden, and angry, unlovable and worthless. As I lay there, feeling so near to the death I wanted, I heard the doorbell ring. I didn’t want to answer it. I didn’t want to move. Then I heard the persistent knock on the door, so I slowly moved, pushed myself into a crouching position, and then stood. I slowly walked to the door and opened it. My best friend was standing there and she asked why I was in the dark. I mumbled something about liking it that way. She came in and I turned on the lights. I put on my brave face and we small talked for a while. After she left, I didn’t feel so alone, and weary. I had a bite to eat and played some music and actually felt okay for a time.

When I look back on that now, there is something poignant in the story. The darkness had become my comfort zone.

As much as I hated feeling that way, I was also used to feeling that way. What did I say when she came to the door? That I liked it that way: I liked the darkness. I gotten used to it; but all I needed was a little light, to find my way again. This wasn’t the end of it. It took me another 3 years to go even further down to rock bottom. Having sold my house, left my job and moved overseas, I sought happiness in the wrong places. I trusted the wrong people, some more damaged than me. I had lost my intuition and my self-belief so it was easy to believe the lies and the judgements from others. I was worn down further and further. But I wasn’t completely broken at that point, there was a small glimmer of hope and I decided to claw my way back up, slowly but surely. The day I realized that I didn’t want to feel this way anymore was the day my healing could begin.  I didn’t want to be the only one who was so miserable all the time. I could see friends having fun, and living their lives, and I wanted that too. So I made a conscious decision. I decided I wanted to be well. From that day forth, I worked on it. I started on anti-depressants which were grueling in the first two weeks. If I hadn’t read the instructions I may not have made it, as the suicidal thoughts came thick and fast during the transition period, but because I knew it was the medication, and not me, I could separate myself from it.

My rock bottom came, whilst on anti-depressants, when I flatted with one of my bullies for a year. She broke me and my body collapsed under the weight of the constant onslaught of verbal abuse. I realize now she was a lesson and I’m grateful for that. Because I lost myself so entirely, I was able to find myself. Out from her clutches I could discover my truth again. And my truth is that I’m so much more than anything she labelled me with. I’m so much more than anything I labelled myself with. I am so much more than the limitations we put on ourselves through ego-based fear. There are only two states: fear and love. All of her output was fear and it fed my fear. When there is fear, there can’t be love. But when there is love, there can’t be fear. I learned that the hard way, and now I choose love, because it is all encompassing, it is limitless, fearless, boundless and the very essence of my being. It is all I have and want. I say that, and yet I still have fear. I still fear opinions, judgements, conditions, and yet when I shrug those away, I make more room for love, and I feel so content and blessed. I honestly don’t know why any of us would want to live in fear. I don’t know why we’d want to limit ourselves so entirely to this contracted existence. Fear-based reality is a fantasy. A concoction of beliefs thought up by the mind, not the heart. Think about how wonderful it feels to listen to inspiring music, to feel the sun on your face, create an oil painting, or whatever it is that makes your heart sing – that is our true essence – that creative, unconditional, infinite love.

I’ve come a long way since the day I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I was on anti-depressants for 5 years, and have been off them for over a year, and I feel good. I feel whole, content, and I’ve learned to use my head but live with my heart. It took time and patience. I had to change my attitude. Whenever I felt the old thoughts coming back, I just told them to stop. I told myself how cherished I really was. I did affirmations every day. I made the conscious decision to be well and to buy into a reality of love instead of fear, because it is sooooooo much better! And soon I started to believe the new truth, the real truth. That I am loveable, I am loved, and loving. I have a lot of love to give, and to receive. I am worthy. I am blessed. I am happy, and healthy.