Swallow me whole
I remember when I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I lay on the floor in my lounge as the light faded outside and the room grew darker, just like my mind. I willed the ground to open up and take me. I wanted no more of this life, no more of this pain and heartache. I wanted to be free of all the burden and gut-wrenching misery. I lived in a home I bought myself at age 23, two years prior, a good job, loving friends, and yet I could see no good in anything. I felt alone, isolated, and unloved. I felt unworthy, and caught up in my own never-ending self-deprecating thoughts: beating myself up, judging myself, and blaming myself. I felt guilt-ridden, and angry, unlovable and worthless. As I lay there, feeling so near to the death I wanted, I heard the doorbell ring. I didn’t want to answer it. I didn’t want to move. Then I heard the persistent knock on the door, so I slowly moved, pushed myself into a crouching position, and then stood. I slowly walked to the door and opened it. My best friend was standing there and she asked why I was in the dark. I mumbled something about liking it that way. She came in and I turned on the lights. I put on my brave face and we small talked for a while. After she left, I didn’t feel so alone, and weary. I had a bite to eat and played some music and actually felt okay for a time.
When I look back on that now, there is something poignant in the story. The darkness had become my comfort zone.
Will yourself Well
I strongly believe we can will ourselves well but we have to want to be well. It’s very easy to become the illness, to be caught up in it, and to wallow in the symptoms. It’s equally easy to use it as an excuse and to hide from the world. At a certain point, it can, sometimes, be more about fear than it is about the original condition. Returning to the world seems daunting and a faraway fantasy. That’s where purpose and meaning comes in because it ignites your soul. It gives you the kick up the ass, the fire in your belly, the wings to fly and all these clichés. Passion gives you the drive and reason to become well. Passion gives you a reason to be healthy, because you have a reason to live.
Often those that get chronically sick, are those that have a global mission, a real purpose to help others, and they’ve gone so far off course, that the illness is a wake-up call to come back to the right path.
I've struggled finding my purpose.
Symptoms of STRESS
The leading cause of STRESS is our ability to cope with the pressures of life, such as work, career, family, relationships, social interactions, traumas, accidents, and financial situations; as well as the way we perceive and think about ourselves and our place in the world. Stress can manifest in a number of ways, from short-term acute symptoms to long-term chronic systemic break-downs. Left unresolved, stress causes states of dis-ease or illness.
Short-term positive stress gives you motivation to achieve goals and take action. It gives you that rush of adrenaline to get the job done – like when you have to meet a deadline at work, and then it dissipates once the job is accomplished. You may feel a surge of energy, your heart might beat faster, you’re focused on the task at hand and you feel a drive and pressure to get it done. The main point is that it dissipates. Positive short-term stress energy motivates you into action and then releases upon completion of that action. In its place you’ll feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
Why does negative stress occur? Usually through mental processes: You’ve started to worry about something, either you dwell on it too much or instead of dealing with it and figuring out what is causing the anxiety, you push it aside. When you do this often the physical symptoms occur. It’s your body’s way of telling you that something is up, that something isn’t right and you need to pay attention.
Freedom Through Change
Hi, I'm Fiona. Deciding to create this blog series and website occurred organically over time as I researched ways to 'cure' myself of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME/CFS) and clinical depression. I have met many people with ME, and heard stories of long-term 'sufferers' who stopped working and never started again, a prisoner in their own home (and sometimes bed) for decades! I was told that there is no cure, and most people resign themselves to the fact that chronic pain, exhaustion and depression is just how it’ll be from here on in!
There was no way, that at 30 I was willing to give up on my life, and give my life and my power over to these two illnesses that was very close to consuming me. That small spark of protest, hope, stubbornness (whatever you want to call it) proved to be my saviour. I’ve spent the last 5 years …healing. Now I am determined to help others like me, to heal themselves. Not just those diagnosed with ME/CFS but anyone who finds themselves in despair, dissatisfaction, or dis-ease. I’m here for anyone who is ready to experience freedom through change.
Let us just delve into that for a minute. You have to ‘want’ to change, maybe you’re not feeling it on a conscious level yet, but reading this, finding this website, is evidence that your sub-conscious is ready. So take it as a sign that you are ready to change, to heal whatever is holding you back from living the life you dream about.
You can read more about what I do via my website and contact me via email. Through my blogs I hope to touch on a few healing processes and insights I’ve learned along the way. I’ll explain some of the aspects of our conscious and sub-conscious, and what that means for us, about our connectedness with the universe, nature and each other. I will discuss topics such as nutrition, healthy lifestyles, stress and stress relief, and any others I think of along the way. This whole website has articles, and resources for you so just take a look around.
I am working on online programs at the moment, so that wherever you are in the world, you can begin to develop new tools to change your life. Come back to the blogs in the meantime for updates and insights. Plus remember I’m only an email away. email@example.com
As part of our journey through change, we must first realise that 95% of what we do/are is controlled by the sub-conscious. Most people are aware that our sub-conscious is like the auto-pilot who ensures we continue to breath, digest food, sleep, avert danger etc: all our physiological responses. But did you know, that it’s also our sub-conscious that stores all our memories, categorizes all our experiences into retrievable formats, and filters our world (environment, interactions, experiences) based on pre-programmed codes of conduct?
Those codes were established from birth until 7 years of age as we uploaded data from interactions with and observations of those around us (our parents, siblings, relatives, caregivers, teachers etc). We were using this time to learn our place in the world. This data became our ‘belief system’ and we assessed, categorized, and filtered all future occurrences based on it, and this shaped our identity into the person we are today. The other 5% is your conscious mind which downloads sections of the belief system to fit with, assess, or understand our day-to-day interactions, choices and decisions, problems, solutions, emotional responses etc. So although your conscious mind seems like it is in control, it actually isn’t, and your identity is a by-product of pre-learned data. Everything you think you know was taught to you by someone else! Yikes! So what happens if they got it wrong? What if what they taught isn’t actually beneficial to your well-being? What if they raised you in a detrimental, limiting way? Well… the good news is… our brains, as scientists have recently discovered, do actually have plasticity. Meaning they are changeable. This is a fairly new notion in the neuroscience world, but an exciting discovery. Because it means we are in charge of our future. Despite what may have been learned in the past, despite whether your upbringing was positive or negative, nurturing or abusive, YOU are in charge of your future, from this very moment.
We can physically and mentally change the way our brain functions! At a cellular level, at a synaptic level, at a sub-conscious and conscious level, at the core of what it means to be you, we can manifest changes! So this means we can change our thought processes, our filters, our perceptions, our moral guidance, our learned behaviours, our values and our belief systems. Excited? I am! This change is possible:
This change is possible through:
What’s brilliant about this is that although it sounds like a major challenge, it is actually quite easy, and you can learn the tools you need in a few hours. The key to making them stick, of course, is practice and repetition: so it’ll take you longer to change everything, but you’ll start seeing results fairly quickly if you are completely dedicated, and if you’ve followed the processes.
So for now, for right this minute, for those who:
Believe me when I say that in my 35 years in this lifetime I have experienced all of the above … and I understand what you are going through right now. I know you are sick and tired of feeling like sh*t all the time. I know that the weight of the burdens on your shoulders have flattened you. But also believe me when I tell you that there is a better way to be, a way to get through, and a way to free your mind, body, and soul.
If you can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel, consider this:
Believe it! Because YOU and ONLY YOU can free yourself, can reignite that spark. You have to believe that you are well, that you are happy, that you are going through all of this for a reason: to learn to be a better you.
This short video so eloquently sums up, the power of, not only depression, but ourselves to over come it.
I had a black dog, his name was depression by World Health Organisation and www.matthewjohnstone.com.au
Whatever the reason, however you got to where you are today, reading this, just know that it can and will change if you truly want it to. Just as you attracted, unknowingly, all the crap into your life, you can now, knowingly, attract all the abundance into your life.
I’m not going to start waahing on about the law of attraction right now. We’re not ready for all that anyway. All you need to do right now is be still. Take a deep breath in, and out – slowly. In your mind say “I’m ready”. You might hear a ‘no you’re not!’ or some other fear-mongering thoughts. Ignore them. Hold a STOP sign up to those thoughts, and say again “I am ready”. With earnest, once more “I am ready to change. I am ready for freedom through change”. This is your first step. All you have to do, is take that first seemingly terrifying step, I’m there to stand beside you. When you take your first step towards your freedom through change, you will realise that it wasn’t that scary after all, you will wonder why it’s taken you so long, and then you’ll be ready for your next step, and your next, til you’re running towards life!
Blog: Freedom Through Change. Ends.
Help to Heal you © 2014
Help to Heal you: Giving you the tools to make a difference in your own life by sharing my story.